Volcano Inspectors
by TheLastDragonLord
Summary: What if Shawn and Gus were chosen to destroy the One Ring? Would they have done it differently? I'm not re-writing the whole series, just the actual ring-destroying part. This is really meant to be more of a parody than anything else. Don't bother taking it seriously.


Volcano Inspectors

A/N: I was watching Lord of the Rings the other day, and when Frodo and Sam were trying to figure out how exactly to get into Mordor, I briefly wondered what Shawn and Gus would do in their situation. This is what I came up with. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I am not Steve Franks or J.R.R. Tolkien. I'm just having fun mixing their worlds.

The day was dreary, the sky pale and depressing. But, then again, days were always dreary, pale and depressing in Mordor. The light rocks were just about as craggy and forlorn as they could possibly be, and greenery was scarce. The little greenery that existed was so dehydrated that it could hardly be called green. A small, bright blue Toyota Echo showed up on the horizon and sped toward the imposing, black city gates, kicking up much dust as it went. The color of the vehicle was a direct juxtaposition with the dull landscape it drove through.

The car was parked a little ways away from the entrance, and two men climbed out. The driver was a responsible-looking African American wearing a blue button-up and slacks. His companion was significantly more laid-back, in jeans and a t-shirt. Hidden beneath the Apple Jacks logo was a gold ring on a chain.

"Shawn, we shouldn't be doing this," the first man whispered to his friend. "Remember what Boromir said: you can't just walk into Mordor."

The second man, Shawn, scoffed. "Gus, don't be the flare gun that Brian hid in his locker. Just follow my lead."

He strolled away confidently, Gus uncertainly trailing behind. When they reached the city gates, Shawn stepped forward and knocked firmly. They waited for a few seconds before the gate creaked open and the head of an orc poked out.

"May I help you gentlemen?" he snarled out.

Shawn gave his lopsided smile. "Yes, you may, good sir. My name is Shawn Spencer, and this is my associate Bartholomew McKenzie." Gus gave a small wave, and Shawn continued. "We are surprise volcano inspectors, here to confirm that Mount Doom is up to code."

The orc looked confused. "We have had no notice of any inspectors coming..."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "As I mentioned before, we are SURPRISE volcano inspectors. If we told you we were coming, it wouldn't be much of a surprise, now would it?"

The orc paused in thought. "I suppose that makes sense..."

"Of course it does. May we come in?"

The orc hesitantly stepped back and opened the door for them. Shawn and Gus stepped inside, Shawn smiling, Gus wrinkling his nose at the unpleasant atmosphere. The orc closed the gate.

"Would you like to talk to Sauron?" he asked. Shawn's grin disappeared.

"Oh, no," he said. "That won't be necessary. If you could lead us to Mount Doom, we just need to check up on a few things. Whether or not the lava is molten enough to sufficiently burn off human flesh,"

"If proper amounts of fog are oozing around it," Gus chipped in.

"If it's powerful enough to destroy the one and only source of Sauron's power," Shawn continued. The orc stopped in his tracks.

"What was that last one?" he asked suspiciously. Shawn waved off his question.

"Nothing, nothing," he said. "Now, which way to Mount Doom?" He smiled innocently. The orc stared at him for a moment more, then turned and headed down a long path to the volcano. With his back turned, he didn't see Gus punch Shawn in the shoulder.

_PsychLOTRPsychLOTR_

The two men and the orc stood in the entrance to Mount Doom. Shawn and Gus were pretending to inspect the rocks while the orc watched them.

"Is everything satisfactory, gentlemen?" he asked with an air of impatience.

"Looks like it," Shawn said. "We'll just need to see the actual lava, and I think that's it!"

The orc nodded and led them down the rocky pathway that dropped off in the middle of the mountain. Shawn stood at the edge, gazing into the depths of the volcano. The lava certainly _did_ look molten enough to burn off his flesh. He gulped a bit and stepped back. With his back still turned to Gus and the orc, he pulled out the chain around his neck, holding the One Ring. It was time to destroy it.

It twisted this way and that on its feeble chain, the gold glinting beautifully in the lava's orange glow. Shawn stared at it, entranced, and hesitated. After all, he wasn't Sauron. He wouldn't use the ring for evil. The more he thought about its power, the less he wanted to throw it into the fiery depths from whence it came. With the gift of invisibility, his pranking possibilities were endless. He was shaken out of his trance by Gus's voice.

"Shawn!" his best friend shouted. "What are you doing?"

Without thinking, Shawn turned around to look at him, and the orc saw the ring. His eyes lit up with anger.

"That's the One Ring," he muttered. "You two are no volcano inspectors! You've come to destroy the Dark Lord's power!"

Gus took advantage of his momentary distraction and seized the orc's sword. With a swift jab, he stabbed the creature and pushed him into the volcano.

"Shawn!" he screamed again. "Throw it in! Destroy it!"

The fake psychic quickly came to his senses and turned back around to face the lava again, pulling back his right arm to toss the jewelry to its death. A reedy shriek stopped him again.

"No! Not the Precious!"

A bald, cadaverous creature in a loincloth was bounding towards Shawn on all fours, screaming for all he was worth. In a split second, Shawn recalled the tales Gandalf had told him of the fourth owner of the ring- a being by the name of Gollum, whose life was taken over by the ring, who had became a slave to it, who had murdered his own cousin to get it.

Ignoring Gus completely, Gollum raced to Shawn, who tried to hide the ring behind his back. Gollum made one mighty leap, and to Shawn, things almost seemed to move in slow motion for the next couple of seconds.

He could see Gollum growing closer, could see his bloodshot eyes and yellow teeth in detail. Always a quick thinker, Shawn ducked, at the same time tossing a ring into the air. Gollum gave a smile devoid of all sanity and gladly caught the ring, falling into the volcano with it. For the first half of his fall, he gleefully celebrated his triumph. Then he came to realize that he was, in fact, quickly dropping toward a pit of molten lava guaranteed to burn his flesh off and destroy the one thing in the world dearest to him. Before he could open his mouth to scream, it was too late.

Shawn and Gus watched the whole thing from the safety of the rocky ledge. When the creature hit the lava, however, they both winced and turned away. After a moment of silence, Shawn spoke up.

"We should probably get out of here." he said. "This thing's gonna blow any second now."

"You know that's right!" Gus agreed and they calmly turned around before sprinting out of the mountain, screaming like little girls.

When they reached the Blueberry, both nearly falling over in exhaustion, the city of Mordor had nearly collapsed entirely. They stopped to catch their breath.

"Wow," Gus wheezed. "We made great time!"

"It's all the running from criminals," his best friend explained. "Great cardio,"

There were a few more seconds of silence as Shawn and Gus continued to pant. Again, Shawn spoke first.

"Wait till Jules hears about this," he said. "When I tell her that I single-handedly brought down one of the darkest lords of all time, she'll have to go out with me."

"Single-handedly?" Gus asked indignantly.

"Well, let's face it, Gus. You didn't really do much."

"Excuse me, but you would've had to walk the whole way if it weren't for me!"

Shawn paused. "Man, you're right. That would've taken a lot longer. It would've taken, like, three books to write that entire journey!"

Gus smiled at his contribution being recognized. "Thank you."

Shawn smiled and wordlessly held out a fist. The friends shared a celebratory fist bump and climbed in the car.

"Dude, I think they're having a Jon Hughes marathon on ABC. I think we might just make it back in time."

"What!"

A/N: Please review and tell me how I did!


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